And why is it so hard??

Every time I check LinkedIn, it's full of positive messages about how you should do what you want and live the life that you want to live. That's great, but for most people I think it's a little confusing. To me, it reads like Burger King's "Have it your way" campaign, but for life. When it comes to ordering burgers, sure, knowing what you want is pretty easy. But if we're talking about your whole life, it feels a little more complicated.

For one thing, we're always surrounded by other people's ideas, whether it's friends, family, coworkers, social media influencers, news, politicians, or corporations, like the aforementioned Burger King. All of them have opinions about what it means to live a good life, but not all of them have our best interests in mind. In fact, even those who do want the best for us may not be the best at deciding what that is.

What's worse is we've all been marinating in other people's ideas since birth. Our entire reality is shaped by the ideas of others. Would you want an iPhone if iPhones didn't exist? It's impossible to know what our lives would look like without the influence of others.

The Backstory

So how do you figure out what you want in life? If you agree that you should get what you want out of life, it seems like the first step should be to figure out what that is. I myself struggled with this question into my early twenties and spent many years and a lot of my energy trying to answer it.

At the beginning of my journey, I was homeless, jobless, and directionless, living in my hometown of Boise Idaho and wishing I was almost anywhere else.

Now at 40, I'm living a very satisfying life in beautiful San Diego, where everyday, I walk around my neighborhood and see flowers, butterflies, finches, and hummingbirds basking in the sun and I think about how lucky I am to be here. I have a job I like, a beautiful partner I love and respect, and I'm happy. I've figured out what I want in life, I've already accomplished some of the things, and I have a pretty clear path forward on the next goals. And most important: I have a strategy that works repeatedly.

I have enough experience testing my ideas that I can share them with confidence that they will work for you too. If you struggle with figuring out what you want in life, I'm certain that the following steps will solve this for you.

Step 1. Realize you are going to die.

I hate that this is true, but it is. I remember my first day back at my second attempt at college - my English professor did something that changed my life, which had very little to do with English, but everything to do with what we are talking about right now.

He drew a long horizontal line across the whiteboard. He then drew a series of small vertical lines segmenting it into eight equal parts, and an X at the far end. He explained that the sections each represented 10 years of your life, and that the entire line represented your lifetime, since the average person lives about 80 years. Then, he walked over to the first segment, and drew more small vertical lines to break that up into the first 10 years.

He showed how - at the age of one - a single year is the whole length of your entire life. At the age of two, a year is half your life. At the age of three, a year is a third of your life. As you grow older, each year is a smaller percentage of your life. And that is why it feels like time is going by faster and faster. Because by comparison to the rest of your life, each new year is a smaller percentage.

This was jarring for me. I was returning to college at 25, so I was older than most of the people in the class. My years were already going by faster than theirs. I felt behind. I was starting late, and I was still figuring out what I wanted to do with my life.

What I now realize is that I was actually probably ahead of many of my classmates, because I had spent the previous few years beginning to figure out who I was and what I wanted to do.

If you're lucky enough to already know who you are and what you want, then the rest of what I'm going to say may not be useful to you. But if the concept of your mortality is as jarring to you as it was to me, and you're overwhelmed with the sense that you must figure out what you want and how to get it, then I think I can help. In fact, I know I can help.

The good news is, you're already at Step 1. You realize that time is of the essence. You have the motivation to start.

Step 2. Realize change must occur!

Take a moment to notice, and acknowledge, that you are unhappy and unsatisfied. If that's the case, you're already at Step 2. If you know that you are not happy or satisfied in life, then you have fully completed Step 2. Hurray!

Steps 1 and 2 are not fun, but they will give you the motivation you need to figure out what you want. If you were complacent, I would say don't even bother starting this journey, because there will be parts that require courage, and for that, you'll need motivation.

Acknowledging that you are unhappy and feeling like you are running out of time, is just the motivation you will need. Congratulations on accomplishing Steps 1 and 2. Onward!

Step 3. Realize change is possible!

Life can change in an instant. It might feel impossible, but I promise you that things can get better. I know that it can feel like there is some mysterious governing entity controlling who wins and loses in life.

When you see successful people, they are often hanging out with other successful people, and it feels like they are part of some club or group that you are not in. It feels like there's some inherent part of you that separates you from them, like even if you snuck your way in, they could probably sniff out that you don't belong.

Maybe so, but I can tell you that beyond the people you see in the public eye, there are many more successful people who themselves don't hang out in those circles.

For every millionaire you see on social media, there are thousands you don't see, who are just living their lives. In fact I know one. A guy I used to work for. He slowly worked his way up, by first saving up money in his twenties for a down payment, then buying a duplex and renting out half of it while living in the other half with his wife and kids, gradually getting a few more properties and working years as a property manager, and now he's worth probably a couple million dollars.

You'll never see him on social media. You'd never know he was wealthy if you saw him. There are hundreds of thousands of people like that. Yes, his life has changed over time and many of the people he hangs out with now are different, but I watched that process happen from the outside and there was no magic to it.

There was a lot of hard work, some schmoozing, and smart money decisions, but nothing you or I couldn't do, or learn to do if we wanted to. A lot of it was simply hard and annoying work, such as dealing with unhappy tenants calling at all hours of the night, and working on the side mowing lawns while his wife ran a small daycare from their home, so she could watch the kids and still contribute.

Those aren't genius strategic chess moves, or backroom deals. It was hard work, for a long time, and now he's a millionaire.

But what if you can't start early like he did? You might feel like you're too old. Like maybe you missed your chance in life. To that, I say research Grandma Moses. A regular woman who took up painting in her seventies and ultimately became a world-famous, wealthy folk artist. She was worth between $1 – 5 million when she died at 101.

There's no grand entity setting the rules for life. There's no law that says that you can't be successful or get what you want. There are plenty of challenges, of course, but that's true about life in general. In fact the challenges of poverty, depression, and general misery are probably much worse than any challenge you'll run into on your way to success.

Life dealt you a set of cards, and those cards may not be the best cards. Perhaps luck was not on your side up until now, but there's no real reason it has to stay that way. Can it change? I believe the answer is yes, change is possible.

You may not want to be one of the famous people you see going from podcast to podcast, or the celebrities you see in the news, or part of the elite, making those backroom deals, but even if you do, that's possible too. Here are some examples of people who started out as nobodies and then became somebodies.

Late-Blooming Success Stories

• Harry Bernstein worked in various jobs, including as a warehouse clerk and mailroom worker. Throughout his life, he wrote manuscripts that were consistently rejected by publishers. After the death of his wife, he began writing again to cope with his grief. At age 93, he wrote The Invisible Wall, which was published when he was 96, marking his first public success.

• Dorothy Steel worked for the IRS and retired at age 58. She began acting in community theater at 88. Four years later, at 92, she was cast in Black Panther, gaining national attention for her role.

• Kathryn Joosten was a psychiatric nurse who began acting in community theater at age 42. She moved to Hollywood in her 50s and secured roles in television. She gained recognition for her role as Mrs. Landingham on The West Wing and later won two Emmy Awards for her role as Karen McCluskey on Desperate Housewives.

• Clara Peller worked as a manicurist in Chicago for over 30 years. At age 80, she was hired to do nails for a commercial and was asked to read a line on camera. Her delivery led to her being cast in a Wendy’s commercial in 1984, where she coined the phrase “Where’s the beef?”, becoming a national sensation.

• Charles Bradley held various jobs and performed as a James Brown impersonator under the name Black Velvet. At age 62, he released his debut album No Time for Dreaming in 2011, leading to international tours and critical acclaim.

• Helen Van Winkle (Baddiewinkle) worked in a textile factory and lived a quiet life. At age 85, her great-granddaughter posted a photo of her in colorful clothing on social media, which went viral. She became an internet personality, leading to brand endorsements and media appearances.

• Ernestine Shepherd worked as a secretary and lived a sedentary lifestyle. At age 71, she began exercising and entered her first bodybuilding competition seven months later. She was recognized by Guinness World Records as the oldest competitive female bodybuilder in 2010 and 2011.

• Virginia McLaurin volunteered in her community and lived a quiet life. At age 106, she fulfilled her dream of visiting the White House and danced with President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama during a Black History Month celebration in 2016. The video of the event went viral, bringing her national attention.

• Gladys Burrill worked as a real estate agent and began running marathons at age 86. At 92, she completed the Honolulu Marathon in 2010, earning recognition from Guinness World Records as the oldest female marathon finisher.

Loosen up your expectations - see the arbitrariness of the fact that you are where you are and the arbitrariness of everything. Nobody else knows what the answers are. We are all just making it up as we go, doing the best we can. You have every right to live the life you want to live. No one has any right to tell you otherwise. What you want is possible.

Step 4. Realize change is okay!

Have you ever been on your phone and the screen goes dark and you suddenly catch your reflection? That's scary. This next step will feel a lot like that.

Now that you have accepted that change is possible, you'll also need to accept the very real possibility that what you want may be scary, or weird or different than the norm. Be ready to face your darkest fears about who you might really be and what you might really want deep inside. You might be a weirdo. Are you ready to admit that to yourself? Are you ready for a different (but hopefully better) life? In order to figure out what you want, you must be ready to explore all parts of yourself.

Ignoring this possibility puts you at a major disadvantage, because with all the pressure from outside influences that I mentioned at the beginning, people tend to set boundaries for themselves to avoid looking like a weirdo. Even if the things you want happen to fall within those boundaries, there will always be a part of you that won't know for sure if that's true. There will always be a part of you that will wonder if maybe you could be different, should be different, and would be different if only you were not afraid to find out.

Carl Jung referred to this dark, unknown part of yourself as "the shadow." Facing the shadow is a scary concept because it truly is unknown. In fact, that's the very definition of it. Facing the unknown is a necessary, extremely powerful step to getting what you want out of life. Most people will never do it. They are too afraid of what might be on the other side. They are not willing to face the questions that inevitably come up in this process: "What if I'm a bad person?" "What if what I want is selfish?" "What if people won't like me?" "What if the true me is gross or weird?"

I grew up in a very strict Christian household. We were members of a fundamentalist church. The women wore long dresses and long hair and very little jewelry, and we all held ourselves to very high moral standards. I am very aware of the fear of facing a part of yourself that might feel shameful. Having done it, I can tell you it's a paper tiger. It seems scary, and then you do it, and it's fine.

The truth is, as long as you are afraid of yourself, you're actually stopping yourself from being your best, and from reaching your highest potential. If this is you, you're standing in your own way and you don't even know it. It's time to be courageous, and look yourself in the mirror, and accept what you see. Whatever it is.

Step 5. Realize you've always been you!

Start thinking about things you've always loved, especially as a kid. What could you spend hours doing as a kid that was different from what most kids were doing? What creative or abnormal interests did you have?

Step 6. Explore those interests further.

Think about them daily. Research them. Find people who do that as a job. Play in your mind with fun ideas. Every night, as you fall asleep, think about things you love or that are fun and bring you joy. If something stresses you out or scares you, ask yourself, do I actually want that, or do I want more joy and more peace and more fun than that?

Step 7. Write down things you might want to have or do.

Get a yellow legal pad and a pen and set them by your bed. Every night, write down at least 1 thing that you'd like more of, or less of. This could be goals, dreams, hopes, wishes, wants, or just a dream shopping list.

What would you love to have or do? If you can't think of anything, then think of things that annoy you or bother you in your life and write down the opposite of them. If you're tired all the time, write down "I want more energy." If you have a mean boss, write down "I want to be appreciated and valued." You can add more or less detail; the important part is to write at least one thing every night. Do that for 30 days.

Step 8. Organize your goals.

At the end of 30 days, collect all of the things that you wrote down. The list should be at least 30 things long, but hopefully more. Collect them all into one digital document.

An easy way to do this is to take a picture of the pages and upload them to ChatGPT and ask it to transcribe them. Then copy and paste them into a Word or Google Doc. Have fun rearranging them so that things that are similar are near each other. Add more details as you think of them. Don't delete any yet.

You can also have ChatGPT do all of this for you if you would like. What I recommend is using Maslow's hierarchy to organize them into five categories. Again, you can have ChatGPT do this for you.

Step 9. Convert your "whats" into "hows."

Many of the things you wrote down will be things you want to have. Some of them will be things you want to do. It can be a bit of a mind shift, but it's time to start realizing that the things you want to do might actually lead you to getting the things you want to have.

Say, you enjoy spending your time painting, but you want to have a Ferrari. It's possible that you could become so successful at painting that you could buy a Ferrari. Or it's possible that you could paint Ferraris. There are many ways that these two ideas could be combined.

You may not know yet exactly how you'd like to do this, but now that you have a list of goals (or, if it makes you more comfortable, call them "desires"), you can play around until you come up with some ideas that sound fun for you. See how many of your ideas you can turn into actions.

I believe that you can't get what you want if you don't do what you want. That may sound counterintuitive, but that's only because the prevailing thinking about accomplishing things is that it has to be difficult and dissatisfying for a long time before you get what you want. This is incorrect.

In fact, just imagine that you do get what you want, but you had to do a bunch of things you didn't want to get it - is that really what you want? Wouldn't it be better to be doing things that you love doing the whole time?

You may not feel like this is possible, but I can tell you it is. My experience has been, the more I do what I want, the more I get what I want. And that is what I recommend for you too. Anytime you come across one of your desires where you believe you will have to do something difficult and dissatisfying in order to get it, I highly recommend reconsidering if maybe, just maybe, there might be a more satisfying way for you to get there. And maybe, just maybe, you should explore that path instead.

Step 10. Do the things.

Now that you have a list of things to do, all you have to do is... do them. Of course, that sounds easier than it is. It will take some courage to venture out and begin taking action.

For most of the things that you want to do, you'll need more clarity before you feel confident enough to begin taking action. This is perfectly understandable. It's natural and normal to be afraid of failure. In fact, it's natural and normal to be afraid of success, too.

What if you get to the end, and you are still unhappy? That's a scary thought. What if you waste a bunch of time and energy and money pursuing things that ultimately end up in a flop? What if you make a fool of yourself? It can feel embarrassing and scary to admit that you want to do some things.

It can feel impossible or unimaginable sometimes. Say you want to be a millionaire, but you are broke and have no job and live in a small rural town. Of course, it will feel very far away and not very likely. And, if you feel that way, you are right. It IS far away and it's NOT very likely. But if you don't try, it is 100% not going to happen.

And if you follow my advice, at least you'll be doing things you want to be doing. Because, again, the more you do what you want, the more you get what you want. So, start by doing things that you want to do. What do you have to lose?

Are you happy now? Remember we started with acknowledging that you are going to die eventually and are not yet happy or satisfied. If you ARE happy and satisfied, then I don't know why you're paying attention to this at all. If you are already happy and satisfied, then you can ignore all of my advice. I'm only talking to the people who are not happy or satisfied right now.

So, if that's you, then what do you have to lose?

Final Push

When I was a kid, I used to listen to this radio show called Loveline hosted by Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla. Years later, I saw a video where Adam Carolla was driving around his old neighborhood and reminiscing about his past.

Toward the end of the video, he started going through a short list of the many things that he had done since then. Multiple radio shows, multiple movies, multiple books that he'd written, becoming a number-one podcast host, etc., etc., and he said something that really blew my mind.

He comments on the time passing: "It's going anyway. It's like life's like a train that's constantly leaving without you. You may as well fucking jump on it."

Jump on it.

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